The central question of identity as a gay man will always be my central experience - that of rejecting and moving away from my heteronormative upbringing, dismantling years of negative messages about homosexuality and then piecing together a real identity has provided a core that made me a stronger person. Know thyself! I think this is really something that comes up in some form with every client. I would end on a note of optimism - being gay does not always mean miserable or high risk of depression or substance abuse say - it can be the best thing creatively and spiritually to individuate and liberate a person!

Growing up in a family where feelings were not talked about, the death of my dad when I was 2 years old was taboo, which did not allow me to process my mourning as a child. Later on, through therapy, I realised how expressing our emotions can help us heal the wounds of the past and live more fulfilling lives.

The turning point in my own therapy was discovering that the way I had learned to think and feel about myself was not my fault, but it was my responsibility to change this and this began through exercising self-compassion. Having my therapist simply bear witness to what I went through in my earlier life was very powerful, and it began the process of change in the way I related to myself and to others.

Therapy has given me a space to talk about difficult feelings with the knowledge that I won’t be judged or criticised for having them. It has enabled me to see more clearly the part I play in situations and therefore take more responsibility for my actions and for how I relate to those around me. It has also helped me accept myself and others in ways that I struggled with in the past, significantly improving my relationships and my overall wellbeing.

It’s taken me a long time to understand and accept that I’m gay. It was always my dirty secret which I had to hide very carefully. If I had any kind of sex with another boy or in my early adult life, with another man, I was repulsed and hated myself. Finally accepting myself has been achieved through therapy and whilst it’s taken some time, it was the best gift I could ever give myself. Now, as a psychotherapist, I use my experience and other aspects of my life to sit alongside some of my clients and help them through their own unique journey to self acceptance and fulfilment.

I became aware of a pattern I had of finding it difficult to sustain intimate relationships with other men. In therapy, I have explored how my early experiences of hiding my sexuality and feeling unable to trust others had impacted my approach to relationships. Therapy has helped me to become more open to relationships and enjoy a long term loving relationship.

I have always felt an outsider, never felt I belonged. Eventually I became very depressed, suicidal, falling into suicide attempts accidentally. And then my brother had a very serious life threatening and life changing accident. His recovery eventually lead me to therapy and then to training as a therapist - and finally I felt at home on the outside.

I was disowned by my family for being queer, and for years I struggled with depression and thinking about suicide. That reached a crescendo when I became addicted to drugs and sex (the two were tangled together). I made it through that and out the other side, just. But I learned something from the experience: that queer people need to find healthy ways to be themselves. That's where therapy comes into the picture.

I became consciously aware of my sexuality when I was around 12, but I remember thinking I can never tell anybody. Hiding this side of myself felt so isolating. Gay was the insult of choice at school and I feared that there was something shameful about me that could be exposed. Even after coming out, this sense of hiding myself and fearing exposure continued. Therapy has enabled me to become more aware of this wound, be more compassionate with myself and care for the part of myself that didn’t feel safe.

Sexually abused as a child, I also grew up knowing I was gay, in a loving but working class Irish catholic home and a brutal school run by priests. Empathy was a scarcity. Shame, like water, flowed through every crack and crevice of my developing sense of self. The pernicious effects of deep rooted shame had felt like a lifelong battle. But psychotherapy helped me first understand, and then accept that while those experiences formed me they did not have have to define my life. Far too many gay men are still scarred by childhood shame and I am passionate about working with clients who remain affected. Perhaps to use my own experience to empathise and listen to theirs, and to be alongside them as they attempt to confront their pain and support them in finding resolutions that are meaningful for them.